In The Hot Seat
One day at a trial, an eminent
psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down
in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the
"Will you state your name?"
asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair, she opened her
mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of
exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as
she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the
witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the
district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had
better let him lead.
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always
leave room for the mouse.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't
have to do it himself.
In any organization there is one person who
knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" --
There is always one more bug.
The first myth of management is that it
Variables won't; constants aren't.
For every action there is an equal and
opposite government program.
If builders built buildings the way
programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Am I getting smart with you? How would
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow
into a parked car.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how
to get along without it.
I don't have an attitude problem. You
have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the
stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one
finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a
You're slower than a herd of turtles
stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for
you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
The next time you think you're having a
bad day, remember these stories...
The average cost of
rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a
special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the
wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by
a killer whale.
A psychology student in
New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and then
study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly
with an axe, leaving her mentally retarded.
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los
Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the
flu, he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record; his sponsor had gone bust; his
girlfriend had left him; and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
A woman came home to find
her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from
his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in
two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his walkman.
Two animal rights
protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn,
Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken
fence and stampeded, trampeling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay
Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return
To Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was
blown to bits.
This page last updated on Wednesday, July 24, 2002 08:53 PM