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Rules Written By Men and Rules Written By Women

Rules Written By Men

Rule # 1 - Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4 - It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Rule # 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule # 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule # 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Rules Written By Women

Rule # 1 - The female always makes the rules.

Rule # 2 - Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification to the male.

Rule # 3 - No male is allowed to know the rules.

Rule # 4 - If the female ever suspects that the male knows some or all of the rules, she must change some or all of the rules.

Rule # 5 - The female is never wrong.

Rule # 6 - If the female ever appears to be wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding caused by something the male said or did which is wrong.

Rule # 7 - The female may change her mind at anytime.

Rule # 8 - The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

Rule # 9 - The female has the right to become angry or emotionally upset at any time.

Rule # 10 - If rules 6 or 9 apply the male must apologize.

Rule # 11 - If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void at her discretion----see rules 1,2,5 and 7.

Beer and Math

Remember, alcohol and calculus don't mix -- Don't drink and derive.


Horsing Around

The other day, a woman came out of the kitchen and when her husband approached, she slapped him up side the head, WHACK! He was a little dazed and asked, "What was that for?"

She said, "I was cleaning out his pants to put them in the laundry and found a piece of paper with the name 'Foxy Roxy' on it."

He said, "Honey, you know that I went out the other day with the boys to the race track. I bet on a horse named 'Foxy Roxy' and that we won a lot of money on it.

She felt so bad that she fixed him his favorite dinner and really treated him good since she had made this mistake and not trusted him.

A few days went by and the husband came through the door and "WHACK," she smacked him up side the head again. He said, "Ouch! What was that for???"

She replied, "Your horse called today......."

Law Enforcement Humor

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that.  measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two 20 dollar-bills. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another photograph: of handcuffs.

True story from Orange County: A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back, and they run down the street to the robbery . The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.  But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another 10 year old boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

  If Windows 98 featured Haiku error messages:

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which one has occurred.
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
Have to delete you.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A Scene That We Wished Was In Titanic

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It all makes sense now!

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This page last updated on Wednesday, July 24, 2002 08:54 PM .

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